Assume the Worst, by Carl Hiaasen

Carl Hiaasen writes some of the most hilarious fiction around.  I don't know if he has ever given a commencement address, but after the publication of Assume the Worst: The Graduation Speech You'll Never Hear I don't think his in-box will be filled with invitations.  Yes, he's hilarious, but Assume the Worst is a little too realistically bleak to be very enjoyable.

Hiaasen takes some traditional advice and douses it with a big bucket of cold water.  "Live each day as if it's your last."  Bull.  If you really did that, "you'll soon run out of money, your car will get repossessed, you'll be evicted from your apartment, and the person you're living with will dump you for somebody with a mid-level management job at BrandsMart."

Or, "If you set your mind to it, you can be anything you want to be."  Again, bull.  "Self-delusion is no virtue.  Anyone who tells you the sky's the limit is blowing smoke up your a--."  Hiaasen isn't completely negative.  He knows something about happiness: "It's slippery.  It's unpredictable.  It's a different sensation for everyone."  But it is possible!  "Those of you who own a functioning conscience, a sturdy set of values and a tolerance for hard work ought to do just fine.  You deserve many happy moments." 

So Assume the Worst isn't a complete bummer.  I'm pretty sure he's not going to speak at your kids' graduation ceremony, but maybe his "advice" for graduates is a needed balance to whoever does give that commencement speech.