Sex Outside the Lines, by Chris Donaghue

Chris Donaghue wants you to jettison all the sexual mores you have learned from culture, religion, and community.  In Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture, she encourages her readers that "all parts of your sexuality and arousal patterns are acceptable and should carry no shame," and that "sexual integrity means living in ways that honor what arouses you and are consistent with your own chosen value system, not a system you may have inherited from mainstream culture, psychology, religion, law, or the media."  So, do what feels good no matter what.

I'll focus on the positives here.  Donoghue is a therapist for couples, and is deeply committed to helping couples who are having issues.  Throughout the book, she offers guidance for healing relationships.  Her intent is certainly in a good place.  One of the principles is that "for those choosing the option of sexual monogamy, it is sexually abusive and aggressive to want to own your partner's sexuality and to be their only source for partnered sex, but then refuse to have sex with them."  I am not sure I would put that sentiment so harshly, but I agree with the basic point.

Good intentions and a few good points aside, Donoghue jettisons just about any other conventional wisdom, cultural norm, or religious principle regarding sex and marriage.  She promotes the following, for example: Sex experimentation should start as early as someone wants to.  "Waiting to have sex until after marriage or commitment is a template for failure."  Dating is a time for sexual exploration.  "All sexualities are equally valid."  Marriage is patriarchal and sexist, a holdover from ancient culture.  Marriage should be temporary.  "Compulsory monogamy is what makes marriages problematic, not infidelity."  There are many genders, not just two.

For her, basically, anything goes.  This is classic relativism.  She builds an ethic from every kink and deviance away from societal norms, rather than calling for behaviors within norms.  In fact, there are no norms.  Of course, she would reject any sexual activity that is not consensual, but the philosophy of sexuality she describes has let to relational pain and societal destruction.  Yes, there are some swingers whose marriages seem healthy, at least for now.  But how many more marriages have been ripped apart because of swinging or other activities?  To her, that simply means the relationship had run its course.

If you are seeking license to explore many expressions of sexuality, an excuse to break out of the monogamous norms of most of the world, well here you go.  Donaghue will give you the sources and arguments you need.  But if you're looking for a healthy relationship and real sexual integrity, you will not enjoy this book.



Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the complimentary electronic review copy!