One More Try, by Gary Chapman

When a marriage is on the rocks, a great place for couples to turn is Dr. Gary Chapman, one of the best marriage experts around.  Best known for his The Five Love Languages and subsequent love language teachings and writings, Dr. Chapman has addressed, in his newest book, a very specific stage of marriage: on the brink of disaster.  One More Try: What to Do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart is aimed at couples who are separated or whose marriages seem to be on their last legs.

Chapman boils down what unfulfilling marriages lack to "one of three sources: lack of an intimate relationship with God, lack of an intimate relationship with your mate, or a lack of an intimate understanding and acceptance of yourself."  He points out that the first and third of these "can be corrected without the aid of your spouse."  When the goal is reconciliation, which is, of course, the ideal, each spouse has to be willing to work on 1 and 3 in order to make much progress on 2.

I like the fact that Chapman prioritizes getting one's spiritual life in order.  Spending time in scripture and prayer every day is essential.  Starting with the simple routine of reading a few verses every day and seeking to apply it to your life a great start.  Chapman asks, "Can you envision what might happen in your life if you would begin reading the Scriptures daily, listening to the voice of God, and responding to his commands, in the power of the Holy Spirit?"

No matter what the condition of your marriage is, Chapman has some good reminders here.  If you want to be happy, work on making your spouse happy, since "genuine happiness is the by-product of making someone else happy."  And no matter how perfect you think your spouse is, he or she has probably screwed something up from time to time.  With our spouses, "we need to follow God's example," who "no longer holds our sins against us" and "never reminds us of past failures." Moving on from failure, "what is important is how you treat each other today, not how you treated each other in the past.  Forgetting the past is the key that can open the future, bringing reconciliation between your spouse and you."

I was a little bit surprised that Chapman leaves room for separation as a viable, sometimes necessary step in reconciling a marriage.  He makes a good case that as long as, during the period of separation, both husband and wife are working toward communicating better, working on their own issues, and not seeking romantic relationships with others, separation can be a productive time.

I agree with Dr. Chapman that marriages "are either growing or diminishing.  You must continue to do the kind of things that stimulate growth."  Couples who are separated or on the brink of divorce should pick up this book, but even couples whose marriages are in good condition can glean some insights.  And, like Dr. Chapman's other books, One More Try can be a great resource for pastors, counselors, and others who might counsel married couples, formally or informally.


Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the complimentary electronic review copy!