Far from the Tree, by Andrew Solomon

For many parents, their children are just like them, only smaller and younger.  But some kids fall "far from the tree," with differences from their parents that add challenge to the life of the parent.  In Far from the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity, psychiatrist Andrew Solomon looks a wide variety of children who are far from the tree of their parents and offers insight for all parents.

A key distinction Solomon draws is between horizontal and vertical identity.  "Often . . . someone has an inherent or acquired trait that is foreign to his or her parents and must therefore acquire identity from a peer group.  This is a horizontal identity. . . . Many parents experience their child's horizontal identity as an affront.  A child's marked difference from the rest of the family demands knowledge, competence, and actions that a typical mother and father are unqualified to supply, at least initially. . . . Horizontal [identities] are often treated as flaws."

A large part of Far from the Tree discusses these horizontal conditions we typically view as disabilities, with chapters on deafness, dwarfism, Down syndrome, autism, schizophrenia, and multiple disabilities.  A chapter on prodigies seems a little out of place after those chapters, but, as he argues, parents of prodigies have similar challenges to parents of children with physical or psychological disabilities.  The next three chapters, on children conceived in rape, children who become criminals, and transgender children, seemed especially out of place in a book about children with disabilities, but they are nevertheless insightful.

Solomon writes that this book is about anecdotes, not statistics, and anecdotes he does provide.  Each chapter could be developed into a book, and sometimes felt like a book on its own, each in the range of 50-70 pages.  He interviewed a wide array of families for each chapter, and gives some background and introduction to the condition reviewed in each chapter.  The reader thus does not gain an encyclopedic knowledge about the disability, but does gain sympathy and understanding for each type of disability or difference. 

Many of the stories are very moving, and I appreciated the opportunity for such personal insight into these families' lives.  Solomon alludes to the common, often unspoken, interactions between parents of children with difference disabilities.  As they pass on the street, or perhaps in the lobby of the children's hospital or doctor's office, they think, "I could not handle that," each thankful that their own children do not have the other child's disability.  This is a truism for parents of children with a disability: you can never feel sorry for yourself because you will inevitably cross paths with another child who seems much worse off than your own.

Solomon does a wonderful job of capturing the feelings and experiences of these families.  A couple of these stood out to me (nearly making me bawl) as I could so relate.  One mom expresses what many parents feel.  When her severely disabled son died, she said, "Let me bury here the rage I feel to have been twice robbed: once of the child I wanted, and once of the son I loved."  Of her other child, similarly disabled, her husband said, "It absolutely blows my mind, the impact that a blind, retarded, nonverbal, nonambulatory person has had on people.  He has a way of opening and touching people that we can't come near."  (Anyone who knows my daughter will appreciate why I love that quote!)  Like most parents of children with disabilities, they would never have asked for their child's condition.  But would they trade their child in for a healthy one?  Not a chance.

I especially liked another parent's challenge for me.  "'You remember It Takes a Village?' John said.  'I'm trying to build a village, so there will always be second and third layers of people who are familiar with Alix.'"  This father bought a nearby house for his daughter's caretaker to live in.  I want to do the same for my daughter, surrounding her with friends, caretakers, family, educators, who know her and provide a community for her.  No matter the disability, this is a key.

Far from the Tree will give parents of children with disabilities and other differences the opportunity to see the worlds of other families.  You might identify with one or two particular chapters, and feel affirmed in your own experiences.  Even better, as you read about other families' struggles and joys, you will see the similarities with your own experiences.  I'm glad I read this book.